I recently responded to a questionnaire about masculinity. If you're not already gender-sick of this blog after my recent post about masculinity, I'm reposting some of the questions and answers here.
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I will preface all of my answers with this: whenever I contrast the experience of men and women in my answers, it's worth keeping in mind that I'm speaking of my personal experience as someone living in a wealthy, industrialized society.
Do you think that it's the 'End of Men' - is traditional masculinity at an end? And is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't think it's at the end. Maybe as a behavior it's waning ever so slightly, but as an institutionalized way of politicking and economics, no. It's not ending anytime soon, unfortunately.
What are the biggest problems men face today?
The biggest problems men face are not much bigger than what any human, man or woman or anyone else, is facing. In fact, despite any problems troubling men, they are typically less hindering than the problems harassing women. Of course, the problem is much more complex as you get into issues of race, class, geography, etc., but in general, men really shouldn't whine too loudly. Any additional grief compounding men's problems exist because of masculinity and the way in which other people, most likely men, try to control the behavior and expectations of other men. The fact that something such as seeing a psychiatrist for depression or not knowing enough about cars can be used to assail a man's identity demonstrates how deeply masculinity's dysfunctional roots grow.
How important is your gender identity to you?
Personally, I don't think about my gender identity too much. I spent most of my 20s being mistaken for gay (I'm not) because I don't subscribe to masculinity as a basis to make important life decisions. In other words, my gender identity is what it is. I'm comfortable in my own skin. The identity people try to project onto me tells me more about them than it does about myself.
How does sex affect your experience of being a man?
Having only had a hetero sex life, I try not to have any expectations from women in regard to having sex. If she isn't a fan of oral sex - in either direction - or anything else I might be interested in, it's highly disrespectful to try to talk her into doing it. It's not as simple as disagreeing on whether to get green peppers or green olives on a pizza -- we're talking about somebody's own agency over their body. I think we'd be horrified if we truly knew how many sexual encounters were a result of coercion. So, with that, I am mindful of how I navigate into sex and never assume any woman is the same.
When do you feel most vulnerable as a man?
I've spent my whole adult life depressed. When am I not vulnerable? It sucks. Interpersonally, there's always some vulnerability that has to be given with someone you're dating or sleeping with. If not, who wants to spend time a person who is willfully constantly detached?
What, in your opinion, does 'being a man' mean in this society, and how has that changed over the past two generations?
Here.
Time for the opposite question: what does 'being a woman' mean? How do you think things have changed for women over the past two generations?
I feel women have so, so much more bullshit to contend with than men. The commodification of a woman's body that starts when she's merely days old - if not before she's even born - is unlike anything I had to deal with as a male. I simply cannot imagine how hard that must be to contend with.
Things, I should hope, have gotten better in the past two generations. Feminist scholars like Susan Bordo, Andrea Dworkin, Carol Tarvis, and Joan Jacobs Brumberg (to name but a scant few) have done a lot to get the public to reconsider what we're doing to women and their bodies with the way culture projects insidious expectations onto them. However, just when I feel confident that it's gotten better, some dickbag like Rep. Todd Akin comes along and states his belief about women's bodies and it's like, "Christ, really? Still?" People like him are like cockroaches with their misogyny: for every one that you see/hear in the open, it probably means there's a hundred just like them hiding in the walls.
Are you a feminist? What can feminism do for men, and what can men do for feminism?
I'm cautious about applying the term "feminist" to myself because I am a man. It's a tricky question, because while I do agree with feminism and endorse the philosophy devoutly, I don't want to take away the agency of feminism from women. However, if that kind of exception were universally accepted, I recognize that saying only a certain type of person can be a feminist threatens to belie some important tenants of feminism. Again, it's a slippery question. If someone wants to describe me as a feminist, I welcome it. Asked to describe myself, I may say that I caucus with feminism. If given a forced opinion question and someone asked, "Yes or no, are you a feminist?" I would unwavering check the "Yes" box.
What about women as sexual/romantic partners (if relevant) - what role does that sort of relationship play in your life?
I like being equals. One cooks, the other cleans up; one mops, one dusts; one can shower first, the other can get the coffee started. These are hypothetical examples, but really, I don't like being put on a pedestal and I don't want someone to be my idol. I don't want to be a care-taker and I don't need a fixer. I want somebody who can challenge me without needing to be less or more than me.
Have you ever been sexist? In what way? Has the way you treat women changed?
I have no doubts that I have been sexist, but I cannot recall any immediate examples. Even the thought of doing it, and likely in a mindless manner, makes me cringe. I hate this goddamn culture.
What about sexual consent? Why do you think rape and sexual violence are so endemic in our society?
Because of masculinity and how it teaches men to be insensitive marauders when it comes to women's bodies. Masculinity teaches men that they deserve things, whether it's nice jobs or buxom women, and that it's okay to be as aggressive as necessary to secure those possessions.
What's your relationship to porn? Do you think it has affected the way you behave sexually?
I like porn but, Jesus, it's difficult to watch. Why does every goddamn scene have to end with a close-up of some disembodied enormo-cock ejaculating all over a woman's body (likely the face)? Whatever one's opinions of facials, why must the scene end upon male climax? If this is the sexual pleasure metric that porn is teaching men, then it's a wonder that any women anywhere would still want to sleep with us. At all.
When do you feel most 'masculine' and why? What things that you do make you feel masculine?
I really don't ever feel masculine. If I did, I would hope I have a friend who loves me enough to kick me in the grapes.
Do you ever worry about being misunderstood or misinterpreted because of your gender? When and why?
I do, but that's to be expected to an extent.
Do men experience sexism? In what way? Can you give examples from your own life?
I don't know, probably, but I'm not sure it's actually sexism and not just some knee-jerk butthurt feeling because someone, either a man or a woman, didn't recognize their masculinity and immediately kowtow.
How does race affect your experience of gender?
Being a straight white male in America is kind of a joke. As I've said previously, I feel like there's little to legitimately complain about insofar gender identity.
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It's odd that I'm actually using my college education - the actual content I studied, wrote about, and was graded on - more in the past couple of weeks than I have probably since I graduated. Can wheels turn backward yet project a forward motion?
Showing posts with label culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label culture. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Something given, something submitted.
When I was a boy, I remember hearing “Walk Like a Man,” by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, on the regular rotation of my parents' radio. I wasn't alive when the song debuted in 1963, but it's the music my parents listened to when I was young so, by proxy, I grew up listening to the same music they enjoyed growing up. I thought it was a fun, goofy song in spite of the irony I'd come to later recognize in how the singer claims he's going to “walk like a man” although he espouses his determination in a catchy falsetto.
On Friday night, a friend of mine was mad at me and in an attempt to coax me into speaking with him, he told me to “talk to him like a man.”
49 years separate the release of that Frankie Valli song and my friend's brash challenge, yet why does this masculine demand of doing something “like a man” persist? My copy of How to ____ Like a Man seems to have been lost in the mail so if there is a positive implication that accompanies this phrase, it's lost on me. All I hear in that phrase are the rabid growls of embattled masculinity.
While I'm still unclear on how a man walks or talks it out, I do know that the connotation of such a phrase is that if you're not doing something like a man, then you are something else. Something less, an Other. Like a woman? A ladyman? A pussy? To whichever of those less-than-man assignments the phrase points, the application of being something not-man is meant as a pejorative as well as an attempt to admonish that behavior based on the biologically defined role of masculinity (spuriously assuming such a thing even exists). Simply, if I'm not acting like a man, I must be acting like a woman and that is construed as a bad thing.
Beyond what this corrosive definition of masculinity is teaching men and boys about women, one man accusing another man of not doing something “like a man” perpetuates the notion that there's only one way to be a man. If you're not behaving according to this ur-masculine philosophy, then you're doing it like a not-man/woman and if you're doing it like a not-man/woman, then you're doing it wrong.
The specter of not living up to masculine designations pervades every aspect of our culture from grade school recess to national security. That men will try to use masculinity as a way to control other men is not constructive nor is it valid to defend this notion with questionable support from a Darwinist vantage. An argument that relies on such a paradoxically primitive notion to support masculinity doesn't do much in the way of convincing anyone how humans are supposedly more evolved than orangutans and mockingbirds. However, if we're truly that unevolved, I imagine it will be acceptable in the near future for guys to start tongue-bathing their genitals in public (I do not look forward to the subreddit cataloging these occasions).
Recommending that a man do something “like a man” is anachronistic if it was ever really useful in the first place yet you don't have to look far to see it still used, and in public forums no less. Living a life beholden to what is or isn't masculine as prescribed by society begets a life of anxiety and anger. It will make you vulnerable, insecure, and easily provoked. If you allow yourself to play into this role, whether you are the accuser or the accused, there will always be someone else out there who is “more masculine” than you and the path to being genuinely comfortable in your own skin will only grow longer with each step.
The militarized image of what a man is supposed to do or say is so rigid that it obscures the primary qualities of what we should all be striving toward: being an emotionally intelligent human being. If the singer of “Walk Like a Man” wants to cry because a woman has rejected him, that's okay. Heartbreak is hard. Being human is hard. But all of us, whether you are a single grown man or a father charged with raising boys that will one day be men, are subjects to compassion and depression and pride and loneliness so don't let threats to your masculinity deter you from those sensations.
Instead of being a man, just be you. Be decent and be kind. Be surprised. Be mad sometimes and be wrong sometimes. It's all going to happen whether you like it or not. No action or reaction a man has should not be comported into some superficial expectation of what a man is supposed to do. If you're a man, whether your walking or reading or fucking or praying, you're already doing what a man does. So let us agree that it's time to not only retire but refute the regressive notion that there is only one way to be “like a man” and start moving beyond the constrictions of masculinity.
On Friday night, a friend of mine was mad at me and in an attempt to coax me into speaking with him, he told me to “talk to him like a man.”
49 years separate the release of that Frankie Valli song and my friend's brash challenge, yet why does this masculine demand of doing something “like a man” persist? My copy of How to ____ Like a Man seems to have been lost in the mail so if there is a positive implication that accompanies this phrase, it's lost on me. All I hear in that phrase are the rabid growls of embattled masculinity.
While I'm still unclear on how a man walks or talks it out, I do know that the connotation of such a phrase is that if you're not doing something like a man, then you are something else. Something less, an Other. Like a woman? A ladyman? A pussy? To whichever of those less-than-man assignments the phrase points, the application of being something not-man is meant as a pejorative as well as an attempt to admonish that behavior based on the biologically defined role of masculinity (spuriously assuming such a thing even exists). Simply, if I'm not acting like a man, I must be acting like a woman and that is construed as a bad thing.
Beyond what this corrosive definition of masculinity is teaching men and boys about women, one man accusing another man of not doing something “like a man” perpetuates the notion that there's only one way to be a man. If you're not behaving according to this ur-masculine philosophy, then you're doing it like a not-man/woman and if you're doing it like a not-man/woman, then you're doing it wrong.
The specter of not living up to masculine designations pervades every aspect of our culture from grade school recess to national security. That men will try to use masculinity as a way to control other men is not constructive nor is it valid to defend this notion with questionable support from a Darwinist vantage. An argument that relies on such a paradoxically primitive notion to support masculinity doesn't do much in the way of convincing anyone how humans are supposedly more evolved than orangutans and mockingbirds. However, if we're truly that unevolved, I imagine it will be acceptable in the near future for guys to start tongue-bathing their genitals in public (I do not look forward to the subreddit cataloging these occasions).
Recommending that a man do something “like a man” is anachronistic if it was ever really useful in the first place yet you don't have to look far to see it still used, and in public forums no less. Living a life beholden to what is or isn't masculine as prescribed by society begets a life of anxiety and anger. It will make you vulnerable, insecure, and easily provoked. If you allow yourself to play into this role, whether you are the accuser or the accused, there will always be someone else out there who is “more masculine” than you and the path to being genuinely comfortable in your own skin will only grow longer with each step.
The militarized image of what a man is supposed to do or say is so rigid that it obscures the primary qualities of what we should all be striving toward: being an emotionally intelligent human being. If the singer of “Walk Like a Man” wants to cry because a woman has rejected him, that's okay. Heartbreak is hard. Being human is hard. But all of us, whether you are a single grown man or a father charged with raising boys that will one day be men, are subjects to compassion and depression and pride and loneliness so don't let threats to your masculinity deter you from those sensations.
Instead of being a man, just be you. Be decent and be kind. Be surprised. Be mad sometimes and be wrong sometimes. It's all going to happen whether you like it or not. No action or reaction a man has should not be comported into some superficial expectation of what a man is supposed to do. If you're a man, whether your walking or reading or fucking or praying, you're already doing what a man does. So let us agree that it's time to not only retire but refute the regressive notion that there is only one way to be “like a man” and start moving beyond the constrictions of masculinity.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
American Assholes Need a Bidet
I started watching the X-Files last night. Yes, for the first time. Yes, I realize that the show is nearly 20 years old and just now getting around to watching it - especially given I was an adolescent during its run - is tantamount to admitting that I'm only now learning to wipe my ass (more on that in a minute).
There's something endearing about watching a show that "old" given the technological changes the first-world culture has undergone in that short amount of time. How many times did it occur to me "Oh, that'd be different now that everybody has smartphones" whenever Mulder raced to find a phone. Or the warmly familiar sound of Scully's computer literally dialing up to the internet when some hacker was thieving her reports. How many nights did I sit around in my parents' office as a teen with that digital nocturne as my lullaby?
Given my nostalgia for the technology of 1993 (I didn't even know what an Internet was back then), it served as a perfect reflection for how quickly the digital age has grown in a very short span. Smartphones, 4G LTG explosiery, cloud here cloud there, none of that stuff hardly scratches the surface. The Large Hadron Collider, insectoid drones, stem cell livers, Cassini images of Saturn's moons, laser hair-removal, a Starbucks in every bathroom, a complicated eye gesture that will transmit your credit card information to said barista so you don't have to suffer the grueling task of taking out your wallet - it would seem that we can't even keep up with science these days.
And if for any given moment you ever believe that humans are keeping up with technology, I implore you to look no further than behind you to prove yourself wrong.
Immediately behind you. Your behind, even. There: that fleshy coral of a skin-knot hiding between the two plushy hams of fat you call your ass. Yes, I'm talking about your anus. Butthole. Asshole. Rosette. Brown eye. Whatever you want to call it, that little stinky wad of dermis that makes shit deposits for you (if you're lucky) is why this technological age will never impress me.
Well, it's not exactly the asshole; it's how we react after having shat out of the asshole. Scientists talk about discovering the so-called "God particle" and building a colony on Mars yet here we are, still tending to our freshly shat-out asses no better than we were before we ever came down from the trees. The only difference is we've moved from folding up maple leaves to now counting out squares of Charmin Ultra. The fact remains that at least once a day (again, if you're lucky) you still have to stick your hand between your asscheeks and literally wipe and rub away at the dangling, unseparated shit hanging out of your anus with a wad of tissue until it literally is rubbed so thin against your ass skin that you can't wipe away anymore.
Why is toilet paper still acceptable let along considered to be the most fucking hygienic or even effective method for a post-defecation ritual?! Jesus, can you imagine if we treated other bodily functions with such carelessness? Wash your hands with dog saliva instead of soap. Brush your teeth with cauliflower. Substitute a handful of crushed up saltines for a condom. WE'D NEVER SURVIVE IT. Each and every one of us would instantly become a walking capsule for anarcho-noroviruses that would effectively rend this planet habitable only to the creatures that already thrive in shit: pigeons, squirrels, flies, cockroaches, etc.
In fact, we're lucky we haven't incurred such a fate already given how carelessly we've continued behind this fantasy of toilet paper.
That technology has neglected this bio-bomb just waiting to go off is shocking to me, especially given that there is at least one technological alternative that currently exists: the bidet. Yes, it is a strange fucking sensation to feel what is virtually a commode pissing up your asscrack. Yes, it's been completely maligned in the francophobic American culture as some strange, emasculating semi-fetish that threatens the socially destructive chromosome in Americanism known as masculinity. But who cares. I'm tired of this shit. Literally.
Why stop at a bidet, though? Today even that seems as antiquated as a telegraph. We have moved beyond the atoms and into the realm of the subatomic, so bring our ass habits up to speed. Hell, car washes have more advanced washing technologies than we've reserved for our own asses. Why hasn't Proctor & Gamble come up with some type of non-touch dung removal pressure light that steams off the dingleberries and converts them into a nice aerosol possessing the scent of lavender with a hint of mint? Aromatherapy and healthy bowel movements. You'd never again feel embarrassed about taking a shit in the only bathroom at a well-attended party. People'd probably thank you for dropping a load, really.
Yet, we do not have anything close to this. That the developed world, and especially America, has resigned itself to the disgusting habit of manually sandpapering mushy pebbles of shit off their asses is embarrassing and unforgivable. If a regular if not bi-daily (if you're lucky) hand-to-sir-reverence contact is what keeps you an American, fuck that. I renounce any citizenry if it means I'll get to live well past the rest of you assholes once you've succumbed to volcanic eruptions of hepatitis A. Keep your shitty hands to yourself and let me inherit a world less swollen with your crap-spawned diseases.
There's something endearing about watching a show that "old" given the technological changes the first-world culture has undergone in that short amount of time. How many times did it occur to me "Oh, that'd be different now that everybody has smartphones" whenever Mulder raced to find a phone. Or the warmly familiar sound of Scully's computer literally dialing up to the internet when some hacker was thieving her reports. How many nights did I sit around in my parents' office as a teen with that digital nocturne as my lullaby?
Given my nostalgia for the technology of 1993 (I didn't even know what an Internet was back then), it served as a perfect reflection for how quickly the digital age has grown in a very short span. Smartphones, 4G LTG explosiery, cloud here cloud there, none of that stuff hardly scratches the surface. The Large Hadron Collider, insectoid drones, stem cell livers, Cassini images of Saturn's moons, laser hair-removal, a Starbucks in every bathroom, a complicated eye gesture that will transmit your credit card information to said barista so you don't have to suffer the grueling task of taking out your wallet - it would seem that we can't even keep up with science these days.
And if for any given moment you ever believe that humans are keeping up with technology, I implore you to look no further than behind you to prove yourself wrong.
Immediately behind you. Your behind, even. There: that fleshy coral of a skin-knot hiding between the two plushy hams of fat you call your ass. Yes, I'm talking about your anus. Butthole. Asshole. Rosette. Brown eye. Whatever you want to call it, that little stinky wad of dermis that makes shit deposits for you (if you're lucky) is why this technological age will never impress me.
Well, it's not exactly the asshole; it's how we react after having shat out of the asshole. Scientists talk about discovering the so-called "God particle" and building a colony on Mars yet here we are, still tending to our freshly shat-out asses no better than we were before we ever came down from the trees. The only difference is we've moved from folding up maple leaves to now counting out squares of Charmin Ultra. The fact remains that at least once a day (again, if you're lucky) you still have to stick your hand between your asscheeks and literally wipe and rub away at the dangling, unseparated shit hanging out of your anus with a wad of tissue until it literally is rubbed so thin against your ass skin that you can't wipe away anymore.
Why is toilet paper still acceptable let along considered to be the most fucking hygienic or even effective method for a post-defecation ritual?! Jesus, can you imagine if we treated other bodily functions with such carelessness? Wash your hands with dog saliva instead of soap. Brush your teeth with cauliflower. Substitute a handful of crushed up saltines for a condom. WE'D NEVER SURVIVE IT. Each and every one of us would instantly become a walking capsule for anarcho-noroviruses that would effectively rend this planet habitable only to the creatures that already thrive in shit: pigeons, squirrels, flies, cockroaches, etc.
In fact, we're lucky we haven't incurred such a fate already given how carelessly we've continued behind this fantasy of toilet paper.
That technology has neglected this bio-bomb just waiting to go off is shocking to me, especially given that there is at least one technological alternative that currently exists: the bidet. Yes, it is a strange fucking sensation to feel what is virtually a commode pissing up your asscrack. Yes, it's been completely maligned in the francophobic American culture as some strange, emasculating semi-fetish that threatens the socially destructive chromosome in Americanism known as masculinity. But who cares. I'm tired of this shit. Literally.
Why stop at a bidet, though? Today even that seems as antiquated as a telegraph. We have moved beyond the atoms and into the realm of the subatomic, so bring our ass habits up to speed. Hell, car washes have more advanced washing technologies than we've reserved for our own asses. Why hasn't Proctor & Gamble come up with some type of non-touch dung removal pressure light that steams off the dingleberries and converts them into a nice aerosol possessing the scent of lavender with a hint of mint? Aromatherapy and healthy bowel movements. You'd never again feel embarrassed about taking a shit in the only bathroom at a well-attended party. People'd probably thank you for dropping a load, really.
Yet, we do not have anything close to this. That the developed world, and especially America, has resigned itself to the disgusting habit of manually sandpapering mushy pebbles of shit off their asses is embarrassing and unforgivable. If a regular if not bi-daily (if you're lucky) hand-to-sir-reverence contact is what keeps you an American, fuck that. I renounce any citizenry if it means I'll get to live well past the rest of you assholes once you've succumbed to volcanic eruptions of hepatitis A. Keep your shitty hands to yourself and let me inherit a world less swollen with your crap-spawned diseases.
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